You head into an intimidating environment with hopes of success and then it goes so epically, spectacularly badly.
No, we are not referring to Monty Panesar’s appearance on Celebrity Mastermind back in 2019, which made a surprise entry into an eventful Ashes build-up as the former England spinner became embroiled in a spat with current Australia batter Steve Smith
Instead, we are talking about England’s fortunes in the first Test. As you surely know by now, that match didn’t end well for them.
It didn’t start well for them either (172 all out inside 33 overs on day one) but at lunch on day two they had wrestled control: leading Australia by 99 runs with nine second-innings wickets in hand. Two and half hours later, they had somehow lost, through their own errors and the unbridled brilliance of makeshift opener Travis Head.
Travis Head smashed 123 from 83 balls as Australia romped to victory on the second evening at Optus Stadium
Much like when Panesar took his seat in the famous black chair on that BBC quiz, England came up with a lot of wrong answers.
Panesar’s incorrect replies included saying Athens was a German city and that Oliver Twist was a season of the year (harmless gaffes that he can probably chuckle about now), while England’s blunders principally came with the bat.
England fluff lines as Australia go 1-0 up
It looked like Ben Stokes’ side would get away with their first-innings collapse of 5-12, which occurred as they regularly took on the enormous Optus Stadium boundaries and were caught in the deep, as they rolled Australia out for 132 to earn a first-innings lead of 40.
The ferocity of the pace attack – Jofra Archer, Mark Wood, Brydon Carse and Gus Atkinson – allied with Stokes’ aura helping him snatch five wickets had England fans not only thinking a win was possible in this game but also in the series. But the tourists proceeded to suffer their second batting breakdown in as many days.
England are 1-0 down in the five-match Ashes series after imploding in Perth
A slump of 4-11, which would have been 5-11 had Usman Khawaja caught Jamie Smith at slip, came amid a wider malaise of 6-69. Ollie Pope and Harry Brook were caught behind driving on the up – an absolute no-no on bouncy tracks like Perth, said Sky Sports’ Nasser Hussain as he dissected a scarcely believable two-day defeat.
England cricket supporters don’t like losing. They certainly don’t like losing in two days. And they most certainly don’t like losing to Australia. But what will make this result particularly hard to stomach is how much of a missed opportunity it was.
At stumps on day one, all the pressure was on Australia.
Question marks over selection with Jake Weatherald bagging a blob on debut and 38-year-old Khawaja making two after battling back spasms that some speculated stemmed from a pre-series round of golf. It’s not just England who like to dust off the clubs…
But, make no mistake, all the pressure is firmly on England now.
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Sky Sports’ Stuart Broad was left stunned as Mitchell Starc took Joe Root’s wicket during England’s day-two batting collapse. Pictures (@7Cricket)
England slammed by UK media after battling crumbles
The West Australian newspaper mocked Bazball before a ball was bowled and will have a field day at this result. Headlines from UK media have also been scathing, with the Telegraph calling England “gutless” and saying their batting efforts were an “affront to Test cricket”. “Feeble” and “humiliating” have been typed by others.
If they are spotted playing golf in the gap between now and the day-night second Test in Brisbane from December 4, you can just imagine how that will go down.
England’s winless run in Tests in Australia has stretched to 16 matches. The last three tours have ended 5-0, 4-0 and 4-0, which shows you just how quickly and dramatically things can spiral out of control when you lose the opening game.
This England side has more backbone than previous ones but they need to eliminate the errors.
Attacking cricket is not a problem but a lack of ruthlessness is. You can produce both. Head produced both as his 69-ball hundred hammered Australia to victory, realising his side’s best chance of victory was to get runs before a ball got him on a Perth pitch where only one player, Brook, had previously passed fifty.
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Nasser looks at how England were Bazballed by Head in Perth and how they will now be ‘hammered’ by the media
England’s freewheeling approach has been great for Test cricket but it is often great for their opponents, too. It gives them ways back into games they should be out of. It was one of the reasons they did not win the previous Ashes and one of the reasons they lost 4-1 in India in the winter of 2024, a series closer than the scoreline suggests.
A pink-ball rethink?
Now England must decide how to treat next weekend’s pink-ball warm up against an Australian Prime Minister’s XI in Canberra, which was set to feature only Lions players.
One former captain in Michael Vaughan told the BBC it would be “amateurish” if the full team did not play in that tune-up opportunity, while another in Michael Atherton said to Sky Sports that the batters should be asked if they feel they need a hit, referencing Zak Crawley, who bagged the first pair by an England opener since Atherton himself in 1999.
Australia’s Mitchell Starc has taken more Tests in day-night Tests than any other bowler
It should not be all doom and gloom for the tourists, although one look at Australia’s record in pink-ball Tests – 13 wins from 14, including all three versus England – does make you wince.
Australia seamer Josh Hazlewood looks unlikely to be ready for the day-nighter and fellow quick Pat Cummins says he only has “half a chance”, while the hosts’ flaws have not suddenly disappeared.
It’s just that England’s flaws were brutally exposed in Perth and that risks leaving scars.
If Stokes and head coach Brendon McCullum can mastermind an Ashes win from here it would be some feat. Can England do better than Panesar and find the right answers?
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England captain Ben Stokes has urged his players not to dwell on their eight-wicket defeat in the Ashes opener
Ashes series in Australia 2025-26
All times UK and Ireland
First Test (Perth – November 21-25): Australia beat England by eight wicketsSecond Test (day/night): Thursday December 4 – Monday December 8 (4am) – The Gabba, BrisbaneThird Test: Wednesday December 17 – Sunday December 21 (11.30pm) – Adelaide OvalFourth Test: Thursday December 25 – Monday December 29 (11.30pm) – Melbourne Cricket GroundFifth Test: Sunday January 4 – Thursday January 8 (11.30pm) – Sydney Cricket Ground
