The Ashes starts in Perth on Friday as the phoney war of pre-series jibes is parked and the on-field action takes centre stage.
That is not to say the phoney war of pre-series jibes has not been entertaining. Far from it. Ex-players and, chiefly, the West Australian newspaper have dropped some absolute crackers.
So, ahead of the serious business at Optus Stadium, let’s look at the cheekiness. Digs, mischievous headlines, surfboard references, whitewash predictions and more…
Former Australia opener David Warner was first to pipe up (how unlike him…), doing so even before England’s home summer assignment against India was complete.
Warner said Joe Root would need to “take the surfboard off his front leg”, meaning his front pad, in his quest for a first Ashes century away from home, saying Australia seamer Josh Hazlewood “tends to have his number quite a lot”.
As you can imagine, Warner’s long-time Ashes rival Stuart Broad could not let this lie, swiftly taking to social media to remind his old sparring partner that Hazlewood had only pinned Root lbw three times in Test cricket, among 10 overall dismissals.
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Watch the best of Joe Root’s four Ashes centuries in England. Will he now get one – or more – in Australia?
Alas, the resumption of that Root-Hazlewood battle will have to wait with the Australian paceman, and fellow seamer Pat Cummins – who has removed Root 11 times in Tests – out of the series opener with hamstring and back injuries respectively.
‘Average Joe’ a ‘dud Down under’; Stokes ‘cocky complainer’
Warner’s playful poke at Root was followed by a brazen crack from the West Australian newspaper when the England batter landed in the country, with Root dubbed “Average Joe” and a “dud Down Under” for his century-less away Ashes average of 35.68.
Readers of said publication were then urged to turn to page nine to discover the “stats that haunt England’s greatest batter” (so some element of praise, then?!).
The West Australian had also hammered England captain Ben Stokes when he touched down in Oz, branding the “New Zealand-born” all-rounder “Cocky Captain Complainer” in reference to Alex Carey’s controversial stumping of Jonny Bairstow in the 2023 Ashes series which ignited a ‘spirit of cricket’ debate.
The West Australian called England’s Bazball style under Stokes and coach Brendon McCullum “dopey” and “careless thrash batting”, while in another edition of the paper featuring a picture of “sitting duck” Stokes alone, the outlet said most of the away skipper’s “arrogant team-mates had not even bothered to turn up yet”.
Ah, the bantz.
Around David “Bumble” Lloyd predicting a 5-0 England win and Glenn McGrath, as ever, a 5-0 sweep for the hosts, and Steve Smith wondering whether the visitors packing their squad with bowlers of express pace would work considering pitches in Australia have favoured “nibblers” of late, we heard more from Warner and Broad.
Warner said England would be too concerned with “moral victory” and lose 4-0, although added they might win one game if captain Cummins missed out an any point, which we now know he will.
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Take a look back at some of the most heated moments from the 2023 Ashes series.
Broad, meanwhile, called this Australia Test team the “worst” since England won The Ashes overseas in 2010/11, citing uncertainty over the top order in the batting line-up and Cummins’ injury issues. Injury issues that have since struck Hazlewood, too.
Stuart Broad says the current Australia Test team is their ‘worst since 2010’
England’s batting ‘unproven’ and ‘has-beens’ slammed
Former Australia quick Ryan Harris, who played in three Tests in that 2010/11 series, responded by saying Broad was just “drumming up the hype”, adding: “He has got to be joking if he thinks this is the worst Australian side since those Ashes.”
Moving on to England, Harris said: “Their batting is unproven. Zak Crawley, Ben Duckett on our wickets. Root’s been a number of times and hasn’t scored a hundred, has he?”
Of course, that ‘Root has no Ashes hundred in Australia’ thing again.
Former Australia opener David Warner has dusted off his flamethrower ahead of The Ashes, backing the Baggy Greens to beat England 4-0
While Warner was one of those to bang that drum, he did urge against riling Stokes, saying, “if we can not poke that bear and get him up and about, I think that will help the Australians enormously.”
The West Australian did not listen to you, Davey, with Tuesday’s front page, showing a green Perth pitch that could prove the “stuff of nightmares for England’s flat-track Bazball bullies”, calling the visitors – and “captain Kiwi” Stokes – “cocky” for playing golf
Sticking with Stokes, as the West Australian surely will do, and the England captain had a dig of his own – at the “has-beens” who had criticised the tourists playing only a solitary warm-up game ahead of the first Ashes Test.
Lord Ian Botham was among the ex-England cricketers displeased with the prep, calling it “bordering on arrogance”, while former Australia opener Simon Katich said Stokes’ men were “asking for trouble”.
All we now ask is that the Ashes series on the field is as headline-grabbing as the pre-event putdowns. It’s almost time for the phoney war to end and the real battle to begin.
Ashes series in Australia 2025-26
All times UK and Ireland
First Test: Friday November 21 – Tuesday November 25 (2.30am) – Optus Stadium, PerthSecond Test (day/night): Thursday December 4 – Monday December 8 (4.30am) – The Gabba, BrisbaneThird Test: Wednesday December 17 – Sunday December 21 (12am) – Adelaide OvalFourth Test: Thursday December 25 – Monday December 29 (11.30pm) – Melbourne Cricket GroundFifth Test: Sunday January 4 – Thursday January 8 (11.30pm) – Sydney Cricket Ground
